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He spoke for the next 13 and a half minutes. He spoke … like this. There was … no emotion … in his words. His face … was blank … and empty. Part of me … felt bad … for him. There were … a couple of moments … when it seemed … like … he was trying … to shed a tear … or have his voice catch … just for effect. You get … the idea.
People wondered why Tiger opted for a prepared speech over the traditional move for disgraced celebrities: Sitting down for an interview with “20/20” or “Primetime.” You saw why as he was reading his statement. Tiger isn’t capable of discussing this stuff with depth or emotion. He can’t ad-lib about his feelings and never could. It would have been awful. Like so many other mega-celebrities who became famous too early, it’s like they never properly develop the part of their brain that controls this question: “How can I win over the person I’m talking to right now?” When you become famous too early, you don’t have to win over anyone. You just have to exist. You become constantly wary. You start watching what you say around people you don’t know. You measure any potential friend or business partner by one question only: “What do they want from me?”
That’s one reason he ended up in this mess. The other was more simple: Normal rules don’t apply to celebrities. This is what bothered me so much about Tiger entering sex rehab. Look, if he really does have a problem, fine. But if Tiger needs rehab, then so does half of the professional sports world. In Miami for the Super Bowl two weekends ago, I saw one famous athlete creeping on more girls than Ronnie, Pauly D and The Situation combined. In the era of cell phones and texts, post-Tiger scandal, you would have thought he’d be more careful. It became the running joke of the weekend. Uh-oh, there he is again! Still creeping! But that’s what these guys do. If we learned anything from the Tiger scandal, it’s that the celebrity debauchery circuit was much more complex than we ever imagined.
"“The Sports Guy” Bill Simmons
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